Beyond Vajazzling

Vajazzling, which is just bedazzling your vag with stick-on Swarovski crystals, is a suddenly popular addition to the lexicon thanks to Jennifer Love Hewitt’s recent overshare.

Vajazzling, sure, fine, whatever. I can’t think of anything terrible about wanting your “special lady” (Jennifer Love Hewitt’s words, not mine) to shine like a disco ball. The only weird part is her anthropomorphizing a body part with the “special lady” label. It’s not a lady. It’s part of a lady.

There’s something vaguely disturbing about disconnecting yourself from your female parts in that way; like when women name their tits or refer to them as “The Girls.”

Limbs don’t get that sort of treatment. You’d sound insane if you went around suggesting your leg or elbow or spleen was an autonomous creature. I get the same shiver when I hear someone refer to themselves in the third person. It’s as if that person isn’t occupying their body. First you’re pretending your body parts have their own personalities, next you are getting commands from the toaster. It’s a slippery slope, people. Continue reading

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Haiti and Hateful Rhetoric

I sent my Haiti donation through an LGBT organization called Rainbow World Fund. They are completely volunteer run and no one is taking a salary from your donation, and I thought you might like to know about it.

I know this sounds sanctimonious but I woke up at 6 a.m. crying about the people in Haiti. I keep thinking about trapped mothers and children and injured people with no help. I can’t get these images out of my head. And worse, I don’t know how I can help beyond donating and texting and facebook and twittering. And me sitting on my broke lesbian ass in Brooklyn, updating my facebook status to encourage my friends to donate money to Haiti, seems, well, almost embarrassing.

What’s more embarrassing than me not knowing how to help is Pat Robertson claiming Haiti brought this disaster on themselves by making a pact with the devil or Rush Limbaugh discouraging people from donating and exploiting a heinous tragedy to make a racist dig at Obama.

Of course there will always be crazy people like Limbaugh and Robertson spewing insanity, and for the record I do think Pat Robertson is mentally ill. Limbaugh, on the other hand, is just mentally challenged. The crime here is not that those two people, among others, can spread hateful rhetoric, but that they have a platform with which to do so. Remember when Pat Robertson claimed that 9/11 was brought on by tolerance of feminists and homosexuals?

It’s hard to believe, but people actually listen to this stuff. This sort of dialogue sways public opinion, which eventually affects policy because politicians want to get reelected. And those politicians reelected by crazies keep their constituency happy by denying you rights. So there you have it, I just spelled out the cycle of abuse.

It’s a little too easy for those of us with a brain and a conscience to tune out the Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, various Evangelicals, Michelle Malkin, columnists and commenters on The National Review, the #tcots on Twitter, and all the other crap. But I strongly encourage you not to tune them out because what they say has a direct effect on your quality of life. It’s better to pay attention to the dialogue, no matter how much Xanax you have to take, and respond to it.

There are a lot of things that self-serving racist, sexist, homophobes like Limbaugh conveniently overlook when they discourage people from donating to Haiti. For instance, you’ll never hear Limbaugh talk about the ways in which abject poverty in Haiti has been encouraged, if not caused by, U.S. policy.

This is how it works: as a way of sustaining agriculture here in the U.S. we subsidize our farming, farmers overproduce crops like rice, we export it to third world countries like Haiti, and effectively ruin their ability to sustain their own agriculture. So instead Haitians move to overcrowded urban areas and live in squalor, working in U.S. sweatshops so we can buy cheap underwear at Walmart.

And here is where we come back to the beginning of this column. How do we fix things? How do we create change? I’ve worked in media for nearly ten years now and I don’t have anything to add beyond the tired cliches about doing something small, being thoughtful in your own life, living in a sustainable way, having compassion, and being kind and thoughtful to people around you. I guess that’s why I chose to make my Haiti donation through an LGBT organization. To me, it seemed like one small way I could contribute to the greater dialogue.

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Dear Diana: Drama

Do you think some people thrive on drama? Perhaps to the point where they cannot function without it?

Well you can be addicted to anything, can’t you? Oxytocin or Oxycontin, either way if you like it you want more of it.

I do think drama can be a form of addiction. And it can also be a symptom of addiction.

Constant romantic drama is a cycle of highs and lows. It’s like doing speedballs. You get so high from fighting, all your aggression is triggered, your fight or flight hormones, the cortisol and the adrenaline, are coursing through you. You need something to bring you down, so you process with your lover. You talk through the fight and your bonding hormones kick in, the oxytocin and the vasopressin, and you come down and you feel better and more relaxed.

But then you remember the thing that set you off in the first place and you get all high and freaked out again. And that cycle can keep going. Some people can keep it going so long that the other person gives up and gets out of the relationship. So then the addicted person has to find a new lover and the drama starts back up.

But some people use drama as a way of hiding or justifying their other addictions. An alcoholic might want to drink all the time, but on some level she knows drinking alone isn’t ok. So she or he will seek out the most dramatic situations she can possibly find. She might befriend or date a lot of trainwrecks, so she has an acceptable excuse to get drunk.

If everything around her is always on the verge of collapse, it works like a smoke screen so you wont notice that she’s in the bar every night.

Ask me anything

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Dear Diana: Jay Leno’s Head

Why do I like David Letterman better than Jay Leno, even though David Letterman is a boob in a suit?

Letterman is a douchehose but he’s much smarter than Leno. Also, Jay Leno’s head is shaped like a chicken McNugget, which makes him hard to look at.

Ask me anything

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Dear Diana: Love

Oh Diana Cage, will I ever find love?

Love is just a chemical trick designed to get you to stick around after your orgasm in case there is some baby making involved. It’s not that hard to find love. If you haven’t found it yet it’s probably because on some level you don’t really want to.

Take a good look at the relationships you’ve had in the past. Were the people you dated actually available? Were you? It’s a lot more likely you were only pretending to want love when you really just wanted sex.

The key to finding love that lasts beyond the crazy humping stage is actually letting yourself be vulnerable and maybe even occasionally bored or disappointed. And being vulnerable, bored, or disappointed seriously suck so most of us avoid it.

In the meantime, just keep screwing everyone until you get bored of it. After a while you’ve slept with enough people that you get it out of your system. Being bored with the highs and lows of casual affairs helps with the whole falling in love with someone part. If you still crave the drama, you aren’t ready. Falling in love means sticking around once the oxytocin and dopamine hits wear off. When you decide you don’t want emotional ups and downs any more the more quotidian parts of love will seem more attractive and you’ll actually be into it.

Ask me anything

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The Pleasures of Objectifying Meghan McCain

Last night Meghan McCain twittered a low-res, black and white picture of herself holding a copy of a Warhol biography and most notably sporting what can only be described as a truly great rack. Immediately her 87 gajillion twitter followers went nuts; replying lewdly, criticizing her, demeaning her, defending her, praising her, jerking off to her, etc. It’s the Internet, that’s what happens. The only reason it’s even notable is that the news blogs picked it up and this morning she addressed it in her Daily Beast column. 25-year-old women twitter scantily clad pictures of themselves into the ephemera every five seconds. But Meghan McCain is a notable Republican media personality so this photo spawned Boobgate. Continue reading

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Hair Metal Made Me Gay

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, my downstairs neighbor was playing Poison at an ungodly volume. Since my entire apartment was vibrating to the tune of “Talk Dirty to Me” I got stuck thinking about the eighties. The eighties were great—everything was soaked in Giorgio perfume and I got to use a curling iron everyday without irony. I’m so glad blue eyeshadow is back. I miss the eighties—they were good to me. My ex, who is French and only just got the eighties, says that the reason she fell for me was the way I turn up the car stereo every time I hear a power chord.

My best friend Shannon and I would rush home every afternoon at 3 p.m., take the banana clips out of our hair, and turn on MTV to watch Headbangers Ball. We were only fourteen, and hadn’t really figured out much about our sexuality, but we both found men with big hair and magenta spandex eerily sexy. She, being the butcher of the two of us, was totally hot for the skinny, fey, metal head VJ Adam Curry. He was your typical music journalist geek, but MTV stylists had attempted to make him fit in with all the rock bands by using a lot of mouse on him. It didn’t really work. In his tight leather pants and six-inch-high hair he looked like an Orange County softball dyke dressed up to go dancing at The G Spot.

I know that dykes bitch about the eighties as a time of oppressive androgynous fashion and egalitarian sex, and that supposedly all the butches, femmes, tops, and bottoms had to go into hiding or face stoning by militant lesbian feminists, but I don’t remember any of this because I was too young (ahem), and too busy listening to Dokken and Lita Ford. Hair bands were genderqueer before genderqueer was cool. The guys were wearing more makeup than Tammy Faye. Well, all except KISS, who took off their makeup to reveal that they were actually gargoyles.

But some of those bands were really, really pretty. Remember Warrant? She’s my cherry pie/little piece of heaven what a sweet surprise. Warrant looked like Leather Tuscadero if she was a hot trans dyke into Aqua Net. We really couldn’t decide if we wanted to be Warrant or do them.

Shannon really wanted to be Jon Bon Jovi. She spent her entire senior year of high school growing out her hair and learning to use the diffuser attachment on her blow dryer. She had a collection of high-heel cowboy boots that made her like six feet tall. Her fashion efforts really paid off, because the two of us once got kicked out of the women’s bathroom at The Stone, because the bouncer thought we were guys. I cried for two days. But she thought it was great and bragged to all of our friends about it.

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Republicans, Racism, and Rush Limbaugh

The media is health care reform crazy. You can’t turn on the news without hearing about it. I’m sure you know why it’s such a big deal right now; Obama is trying to make it happen. Reform means change, and people in this country are freaked out by change.

The vitriolic opposition to the current administration seems deeply rooted in racism. We have our first African American president. That’s a new thing. That’s already a change. Ultimately any reform made during this administration will likely be met with the type of crazy racist resistance that happened during the general election, the tea party demonstrations, and the current health care reform town hall meetings.

Racists seem to believe that racial equality will take something away from them. Racism opposing Obama’s policies is rooted in the same fear that causes homophobes to oppose equality for gays. Creating equality doesn’t take anything away from anyone; in fact, if you take away infighting and create economic, racial, sexual and gender parity we’d have a stronger nation overall. Think about how much faster we could make good things happen if we were all in solidarity.

But again, creating equality for less privileged Americans requires change. And so many people out there reject new ideas without even taking time to understand them. I don’t know if they lack the ability to think critically, or if they’re just lazy, but remaining uninformed and believing propaganda spread by legislators who might not have your best interests in mind doesn’t seem so smart. We’d all be better off if we took a minute to work through a new idea and decide how it might actually affect us before we reject it.

Read the rest here

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