Holly Hughes sent me this rant last week and it’s so awesome I had to share it. It’s also posted on Velvetpark

By Holly Hughes

So far 2011 is reminding me alot of 1991.

Twenty years ago, a series of spectacles of full blown sexual abuse in all its variations erupted in NYC and on the national stage. A couple of the highlights: The Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings, which turned into the public trial of Anita Hill. The stories were creepy and awful, the boss who continually makes lewd jokes, and men, these jokes, the pubic hair on the coke, it’s not sexy. Hate to break it to you. It’s not a turn on. I will channel my inner Whitney and become Every woman in the world and say: It’s not a turn on. For us.

It’s a humiliation. Which apparently is a turn on for you.

Then there were several awful rapes in NYC area. Like the high school football team that brutally raped a disabled woman, gang raped her, raped her with a frigging baseball bat. A baseball bat. She was out numbered, she wouldn’t have been able to protect herself, even if she hadn’t been developmently disabled.

The horror didn’t stop there, of course, the young men got turned into the real victims by their hometown and the woman was villified and it was just too much. It was so too much that for a brief moment women got over their deep and abiding distrust and dislike of each other that is the residue of sexism, of deep misogyny throughout our culture; so sickening that it prevents us from doing anything about our own situation because we despise the members of our class, and yes, I hate women too. Continue reading →

Have you read The Ethical Slut? It’s the bible of the polyamory set written by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It’s a classic and a must-read if you want to date, or even just sleep, around.

I read it years ago and definitely tried adopting all the self-empowerment principles contained within but I never really got good at it. I agree on a philosophical level that love is for sharing but the only time I’ve managed multiple girlfriends is when I’m just casually dating. And by casually dating I mean blindly getting into relationships with people I just wanted to sleep with. My downfall is brunch. Do not go to brunch with someone you sleep with if you want to remain single. I know most people will tell you the rule for keeping things casual is no spending the night. But we’re lesbians, gimme a break, it’s hard enough not to move in together immediately let alone pull your knickers on at 4 a.m. and call a cab. If you don’t want to get involved don’t succumb to the lure of eggs benedict. Continue reading →

How can one avoid lesbian relationships that are hard work emotionally? Is there even such a thing as a committed lesbian relationship that isn’t hard work emotionally?

Listen, there’s no way to be intimately involved with another person and not have some kind of expectations of them. And if you have expectations you risk being disappointed.

Having an open dialogue about your relationship helps. Just being open to communicating helps. But actually learning some real communication skills is the key to making it work. You can’t use “I’m communicating with you” as an excuse to tell your girlfriend how much she sucks.

Here’s something I just learned. Sometimes people just need to say something negative. She might not even believe it herself. She might have a little shiver of neurosis or fear, and she’ll vocalize it. Maybe she’s feeling bad so she wants you to feel bad too. OK, that sucks. But if you decide not to retaliate it will suck a lot less. Continue reading →

Is it weird that last night I dreamed I was Jackie Chan and I was having phenomenal sex with the hottest woman EVER? Btw, I’m not a J.C. fan.

Last night I dreamed I was evacuating a menagerie of cute fluffy animals from the back of a white van in order to save them from a serial killer. Someone suggested I might be a plushie, but I’m really not a fan of cute fluffy animals.

Got a question? Ask it here.

I’m a high femme who often gets read as straight by most lesbians. Other than by adding rainbow accessories to my outfits, are there any good queer markers for high femmes?

Listen sister, I feel your pain. I mean what’s a girl got to do to get a little attention around here?

Hello? Butches? I’m talking to you. Stop thinking we’re hanging out in the bar being all bicurious, trying to pick up a lady so we can have sex with her in front of our boyfriend. Because that’s gross.

I once saw a straight couple walk into the Lexington with that sort of thing in mind. I think the dude was wearing a flowy rayon shirt? They didn’t stay long. I guess they didn’t find a bunch of big ol’ tattooed, pool playing bulldaggers as hot as I do. Ha. Good because that means more for me!

Oh wait, this isn’t answering your question at all, is it?

OK, there are a few ways to queer yourself up even when you dress like a lady.

Bust out your take-me-seriously glasses. The only drawback to this one is that Lisa Loeb co-opted the hoochie librarian look in 2000; effectively watering down a high femme standard. God damn straight people always get their fashion ideas from queers! This tip wont get you read as gay on the street, but it will still help you out in the dyke bar.

Learn to flirt. Be more aggressive. Don’t be afraid to tell a woman she’s hot. If you are waiting for the other woman to make all the moves and she’s wondering if you are really gay, no one is going to get any. If you are high femme the onus to make the move often falls on you.

Tattoos are an option. Don’t get anything cheesy like, say, a big Lambda on your forearm, because people will laugh at you. But there is something about the juxtaposition of a little Marc Jacobs cocktail dress and visible tattoo that reads queer.

Finally, try dressing like a drag queen. Female femininity, as much as female masculinity is a construct. While your gender may be inherent, your presentation of it isn’t. I was not born wearing false eyelashes and a push-up bra, were you? So if you take your femininity to another level–hone it, perform it, make it unique–the intelligent women, the ones with a trained eye, will read you queer.

Got a question? http://www.formspring.me/dianacage

I’m disappointed that in the question about Mary Daly and Andrea Dworkin, you didn’t address the rampant transpobia of either one! What’s up with that?

Second wave feminism was (is?) plagued by transphobia. It’s not limited to Daly and Dworkin, so I don’t see a reason to single them out. But a more useful discussion would include transphobia in current feminism, because it’s not like transphobia has been eradicated. In fact, I find transphobia in current feminism, the LGBT movement, and mainstream (read: homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist, classist) society even more troubling because it’s empirical evidence of our lack of progress.

Also, limiting the discussion to the second-wave would mean criticizing the work of many revolutionaries who, though short-sighted and stuck in an essentialist view of what it means to be man and woman, still paved the way for the rest of us to wonder what the terms man and woman really mean. I’m not making excuses here, we all know how lacking previous waves of feminist thought have been and that non-white, straight, middle-class, non-trans women were either ignored or met with open hostility. That exclusion held all of us back, including the women who fit all those labels.

I tend to pick and choose and take what I can from different thinkers, reserving my criticism for feminists whose thought hasn’t evolved in thirty years. Germaine Greer comes to mind here, The Female Eunuch was a huge, huge influence on me and I will forever think she’s brilliant in that book. But the fact that she still talks that transphobic smack about “pantomime dames” from The Whole Woman (1999) just makes her seem stupid and lazy. (I’m referring to the comments she made in the Guardian about Caster Semenya).

Ask me anything

What are some nice normal things I can say to girls I don’t know at the bar that wont read as creeper? I keep defaulting to space camp, but, as I’ve no real interest in space, it’s really failing me.

FTW is space camp? How the hell did you settle on space camp as an innocuous topic? I’m fascinated. Did you go to space camp? It sounds kind of cool. Do you have all your teeth? Because if you do, I bet I’d be attracted to you.

Girls like compliments. Make them sincere and not overtly sexual. Complimenting her on her shoes is a good bet. Complimenting her on her tits is dicey.

Open a conversation with a compliment, or a question about something that’s going on in the room. You can’t say something completely random, it’s too obvious. You have to anchor your conversation opener to something that’s actually going on around you.

Once you have her attention, switch to something that’s happening or has just recently happened in the news. From there, if she seems comfortable and interested in you, you can start asking her questions about herself. If she’s still talking to you by this time, she’s interested.

Ask me anything